BY ROB

With Origin 1 just hours away the Sportress has been busy working the wires (fabricating lies like a gossip rag) to bring you all the last minute info you need to enjoy Game 1.

Pearce to go Full Predator

News from Camp Blues is that Mitchell Pearce will be fitted with a cloaking device ala Predator to aid in evading the Queensland defence. As coach Daley puts it “He will literally disappear from view for large portions of the game, you won’t even know he’s there. The only downside is that his teammates can’t see him either, we’re trying to iron this flaw out before kickoff”. 

NSW applies for Full Time Trainer

The Blues have sought an exemption for a trainer to be on the field for the full 80 minutes. The trainer is to be within five metres of Josh Dugan at all times in preparation for his average 10-12 pained leg clutches. The NRL approved this measure after it was pointed out that the Maroons field a 14 man side including co-captain Alfie Langer. 

Everyone still shocked Guerra made it

Kevin Walters actually did a double take when he saw Guerra’s name on the Maroons team list. “The weirdest thing is none of us actually selected him, but lo and behold when we unveiled the list there he was on the bench. Geno and Dazza went back over his stats and found there’s no way he should be playing. Selections are hard.” 

Channel 9 primed to offend your ears

Channel 9 commentators have been busily preparing to dismantle the English language by completely ballsing up metaphors, similes and anything else they can get their hands. Phil Gould fronted cameras to give the public a taste of the horrors that await – “As sure as night follows the lonely road less travelled, we’ll be there to ensure that viewers understand everything that’s going on. Commentary is like rocket surgery – one false move and you’ll be told to adjust your set, but don’t because everything is digital now, it’s just us talking complete crap”.

Farah pitch invasion predictor

The Sportress predictor computer nearly exploded this morning after calculating an 87.36584% chance of a pitch invasion by Robbie Farah. Farah has apparently been placing his Blues jerseys under seats around Suncorp on the off chance that Nathan Peats legs fall off mid match. “Only I can save NSW” said Farah after the Rabbitohs loss on the weekend.