Bateman cure for Mondayitis

BY DAN

BREAKING: New research has revealed that just thinking about John Bateman makes Monday’s bearable.

After a frustrating loss for the Canberra Raiders on the weekend, boffins the Canberra Research Institute have been in the field to find out how fans are handling it.

While it has been revealed that 62 per cent are having a crap Monday, a whopping 98 per cent of Canberra fans feel better just thinking about John Bateman. Furthermore, while over 58 per cent of Raiders fans are feeling anxious about this Saturday’s final against the Storm, 93 per cent agreed that Bateman being back this week fills them with a sense of calm.

When shown a picture like the one below, a full 100 per cent of study participants experienced feelings of joy and euphoria.

Sheer joy to look at the face

“The research is unequivocal. Just thinking of John Bateman has proven to have a remarkable impact on the happiness and anxiety levels of Raiders fans” a spokesperson for the CBI said.

“We need to see if we can replicate this in other contexts, but this could be a massive breakthrough. This could have a range of applications in the mental health space.”

The Sportress approached Bateman for comment but he wanted to know if we were the person rifling through his garbage and we ran away.


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