The Marylebone Cricket Club has proposed a series of rules changes to address the worrying trend of colonials being a bit loud and not behaving like gentlemen.
“Things aren’t how we remember them to be anymore, and that’s just not ok” said MCC spokesman Carrington Von Postlethwaite.
“We much preferred it when the help, I mean players, were seen and not heard. All this expressive behaviour. I say, it’s just not cricket.”
The rules changes include the introduction of a red card, designed to address what the MCC claims is ‘worsening’ player behaviour despite no evidence that it is any better or worse than the past.
“We have to stop these colonials from behaving in such an uncouth manner, what with all the shouting and jumping about things. All the other gents at the club think these people are out of control. I saw that little Aussie chap Smith look crankily at the umpire the other day. A good Oxford man disrespected! Mother would be shocked!”
“We haven’t seen a crisis since that Lillee character exposed his chest hair. I tell you we needed the smelling salts for my wife after that.”
When asked if the MCC had lost touch with the cricketing community, Von Postlethwaite simply said “I think when we think about player behaviour we should ask ourselves what would W.G. Grace say?”
“I say is he still playing? Splendid chap.”
The MCC were asked about rumours they would ask everyone to get off their lawn but provided no comment before deadline.