BY DAN

In yesterday’s pulsating international between New Zealand and Tonga, most people would agree that some mix of Tonga and rugby league were winners. Literal assessments like this are useful for things like “who will play Australia in the final of the Pacific Championships’ but less helpful for things like “is Joe Tapine an all powerful superhero?’.

That is actually the question we should be asking after the try that Joe Tapine scored. You can see it here if you want.

What a try by Taps! 😲#WeAreRaiders pic.twitter.com/rFpvrnXPhG

— Canberra Raiders (@RaidersCanberra) November 2, 2024

I watched it on Kayo so had Wok Smith commentating, which was nice, but there’s something about Kiwi commentary that really gets the heart racing with this.

A normal human will tell you this is a once off moment in a test match and we can’t learn anything from it. Everything that Joe Tapine is, that international footy is, is so well established at this point that maybe we should all just embrace the moment as wonderful and leave it at that. But really, there’s more to it. Joey Taps is teaching us. What’s the lesson?

Lesson one: Joe Tapine is a superhero

A hero to me, to you. A person that can save us even when the aliens are coming for us. It’s unquestionable at this point. It probably wasn’t Joe’s best game (the arms tackle on Addin Fonua-Blake was a bit sheesh), but even when things weren’t going well he was able to find some immense power, will, and ability to basically win the game for New Zealand (noting they didn’t win, which seems a minor detail – this is about narrative people). Classic super hero arc.

But let’s take some further evidence of the superhero-like qualities of this.

• making the decision to toe-ahead a loose ball on the last, thus coming to the aid of an entire nation of people at their lowest moment and rescuing them from sadness (albeit temporarily, but like the Living End said, nothing lasts forever). It’s basically the plot of End Game (it is not the plot of End Game but shhhh please I’m writing).
• the stop-and-go, standing up the fullback like a Dad deciding ‘last score wins’, moving in a way that would have the Flash dusting off his dancing shoes.
• the absolute unperturbed nature of it all, like he *knew* it was going to work at every step. It really reminds you of someone who knew exactly how history was going to play out. Like he was omniscient. Or is it omnipotent? An omnivore? All of them. Superman or some shit. Makes you think.

Look I’m not a comic book guy. I only watched the Marvel films because my partner is super into them. I’ve watched some anime but I’m not about to call Joe ‘Luffy’. Iron Man doesn’t fit because of the lack of gadgets but he’s certainly that cool. Regardless I think we can all agree that where there’s smoke, there’s fire, and it’s safe to assume that Joey Taps is a hero to humanity.

Lesson two: Joe Tapine, outside back option

The Raiders have a lot of middles. They don’t have a lot of outside backs. Classic case of getting all your best players on the field at once. In origin, 60 per cent of the time it works every time. Just put Taps on the wing and let him shine.

I know what you’re going to say. ‘Dan, why would you say something so controversial yet so brave’. And I agree, I am pretty great (wait that’s not what you said? What did you say?). But look, when you’ve got a guy that can cook fools like that then you need to let him cook.

Lesson three: Raiders forwards and short kicking

Hudson Young. Corey Horsburgh. Joe Tapine. Maybe it’s time to embrace the chaos and starting asking Big Papa to start rolling some rocks into the in-goal for repeat sets. Maybe Morgan Smithies can unlock his playmaking through a chip over the top. Move over Fogarty. Let a real pro at it.

Maybe we as a community need to take off the blinkers the fat cats at rugby league HQ have put on us. We’ve been sheeple, people, convinced that only halves should be kicking. But if we just embrace who this team really is, the talent we have, maybe we can find the new efficiency and Moneyball our way to glory through our forwards short kicking game.

(And before you say ‘wait Dan, that’s not Moneyball’ I’ll ask you this. Between me and you who has actually read Michael Lewis’ book? I bet it’s only me. You’ll have to trust me on this, or you have to read the book. We both know which you’re more likely to do. It’s Moneyball. It’s the Constitution. It’s the vibe.)

Lesson four: Joe Tapine is ready to lead

He’s barely taken over as the Raiders’ captain and yet he’s ready to lead. I haven’t seen someone prove their fitness for leadership since John Curtin fought conscription and won.

Lesson five: We’re so back

We’re barely two days into the official start of the 2025 season and I’m already pumped. Let’s fucking go.

Just in case you’re wondering almost none of this is serious (except the kicking bit, I think I might have convinced me about that). Do me a favour and like the page on Facebook, follow me on Twitter, or share this on social media because we are just men, just innocent men. Don’t hesitate to send us feedback (dan@sportress.org) or comment below if you think we are stupid. Or if we’re not.