BY DAN

CANBERRA: Reports have emerged from Raiders HQ that John Bateman’s sweat is nearing TGA approval as a cure for what ails you.

Testing begun earlier this year has revealed that Bateman’s sweat contains compounds of ‘what’s good for you’ mixed with ‘get that up ya’. When combined these have been shown to introduce a range of antibodies and antioxidants that treat all known diseases.

The only identified side effects shown in testing are raised expectations and a weird affinity for northern Englishmen.

When approached for comment, Bateman simply dodged all questions with the same step he put on Kalyan Ponga last week. Reporters present applauded.