BY DAN You may have noticed in the last few days that there’s been a bit of noise about Tom Brady being the greatest (athlete) of all time. They call it the GOAT, which in the esoteric tradition of English is simultaneously an animal, a food, an acronym and an athletic status. I’m pretty sure … More The actual GOAT
BY DAN BREAKING: Scientists are speculating whether Josh Hodgson’s new moustache has magical healing powers. The Canberra Raiders released photos today of Hodgson sporting a new moustache, and scientists from the National Hype Measurement Institute have already identified that it may be important in Hodgson’s recovery from an ACL injury suffered last year. “We’re not … More Hodgson’s Magical Moustache
BY DAN CANBERRA: The government is currently conducting a contact tracing exercise to identify the source of the Canberra Raiders bad luck. “If we are to eliminate this bad luck, we need to understand where it has come from. We’ve got plenty of theories at this stage, mostly relating to Ben Cummins, but nothing conclusive”, … More Government tracing possible bad luck cluster in Canberra
BY DAN BREAKING: Sources not close to a government have told The Sportress that George Williams’ pass to Nic Cotric is being considered for an exhibit in the National Museum. “I mean did you see it? The fake to himself, the read of the winger, the perfect arc to Nic. It was a thing of … More Williams’ Pass to go in Museum?
BY DAN National Rugby League ball hogger Peter V’Landys has announced that he will be the sole referee for the competiton this year. “I just decided I didn’t like anyone having power except me, so this was just the best solution”, V’Landys certainly didn’t tell the Sportress. “I’m pretty sure I know better than the … More V’Landys: Only one ref and it’s me
BY DAN Breaking: Reports emerging from Australia’s intelligence community suggest that Peter V’Landys is a rugby union plant. Several sources close to intelligent people have told the Sportress that V’Landys’ ideas for the game are so stupid they are only explainable through the idea that he was somehow placed as the head of the Australian … More V’Landys is a union spy
BY DAN SYDNEY: Nathan Cleary has sensationally claimed he’s innocent of flouting social distancing laws, arguing his chin is so massive he can’t stay 1.5m from anyone. “Look mate I’m not trying to make excuses, it’s just the old face bum is a bit on the Jay Leno side of things.” “It means it’s really … More Cleary’s innocence claims rejected
BY DAN SYDNEY: The steady stream of terrible, terrible ideas coming out of the National Rugby League’s “innovation committee” is proof that the game is already perfect, a prominent academic has revealed. The complete lack of merit of any idea coming out of this innovation committee is evidence that there are no improvements to make, … More Terrible Ideas Proof Rugby League Is Perfect
BY DAN BREAKING: A source close to the National Rugby League has identified the possibility of a Love Island/NRL season crossover as a key driver of the current plan to house all NRL players on a remote offshore island. “Think of the synergies” a suit told the Sportress. “First we get the money back from … More NRL Love Island Crossover Coming: NRL
BY DAN The fact that today is the day the Canberra Raiders were meant to be playing, and aren’t, is “pretty shit” according to the National Hype Measurement Insitute. “The National Rugby League’s decision to suspend the season due to the impact of the Coronavirus may have been right, but it does make today pretty … More Lack of Game Day ‘Pretty Shit’: Institute.