Raiders Rumble 2016 – Raiders vs Bulldogs Rd12 Preview



Road to the Holy Grail! Repent Ye Sinners!

And yea, the Lord did come down to his masses, and he sayeth unto they “the Raiders shall have three rounds of free-to-air football”, and lo, the fans were overcome, as this level of FTA coverage was unprecedented, and there was much rejoicing across the land, followed by much cursing when they realised it was on Channel 9, the Devils network.

And the Lord put on his Mormon hat, and went forth unto Hopoate, and said unto Hoppa “You shall not play football on Sundays; yea, this shall be in your contract” And verily Hoppa did taketh the weekend off. Then the Lord put on his other Mormon hat and went unto Rapana, and he spoketh thus: “Jordy, thou did rack up three Dally M points against the Warriors, keep it up!” For Rapana was the kind of Mormon who could play footy on a Sunday.

And the Lord went forth again, this time on an electric bike, for his legs were tiring, and said unto Sezer and Austin: “Origin!? Ha! Get your shit together!” and lo, he did giveth them both a little smiting in the tuches (butt) for in his haste he had put on his Jewish God Hat.

Then he went forth unto his second son, Iosia Soliola, and declared “Welcome back! We’re dying out here” and verily a lovely halo appeared around Sias head.

Then the Lord went unto Canberra Stadium, this time by Uber, and blessed the turf, and then blessed the turf again, because you never really know with Canberra Stadium.

At this point the Lord was well and truly stuffed, and yea, he had a massive Netflix list to get through, but not before he reminded those who bleed green of the times for the three FTA games.

Round 12, 29th May, 3.30pm

Round 13, 3rd June, 7.20pm

Round 14, 9th June, 7.20pm

Goliath vs Goliath

And lo, the Lord went down and grabbed the biggest boulder he could find, and after a bit of strategic smiting he turned it into Shannon Boyd, and the Lord was pleased with his work, and a little bit smug, because he’d only just taken up sculpting. And then, because even the almighty can be a bit of a prick, he went unto Lozza and said “Don’t pick Vaughan” and yea, there was a wailing and gnashing of teeth from the Bulldogs smaller men, because Vaughan’s wrath was now theirs to bear.

Holy Designs

And the Lord did need some downtime, and yea he did tap someone on the shoulder, and lo, it was Hodgson. And the Lord spake thusly “Could you watch the place for a few hours?” And Hodgson replied “Sure, but Baptiste will need to cover for me at the 60 minute mark” and the Lord did let slip a little grimace.

Then, the Lord was all set for his Netflix binge, when he noticed Sezer and Austin still slacking off, and yea, he did giveth them both another good smiting, and then he gave Ricky a good smiting for not smiting them sooner.

The Chosen Ones

And lo, Ricky did implore the Lord to grant him back to back wins, and verily the Lord did piss himself laughing, exclaiming “I’m not that bloody powerful!”

And then the Lord did check in with Des too, but once he’d seen Dessies hair he knew that he needed no help.

In Summation

And so the brave Raiders, armed with multiple blessings (Same God, Different Hat) sallied forth, and lo, the Dogs of war were unleashed. Verily the fans did enjoy the broadcast, but with the volume down, because they weren’t completely insane.

Raiders by a Holy Trinity!



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