Trans-Pacific Partnership: The Hayne Gains

BY ROB

The Australian media lost it’s mind when Jarryd Hayne ran the ball 8 yards on Monday morning. An overreaction? Or do they know something you don’t?

One of the most closely guarded aspects of the Trans-Pacific Trade Partnership is a small subset of clauses relating to trade between Australia and the USA, which was hurriedly written in following Jarryd Hayne’s announcement that he would be pursuing a career in the NFL.

Following Jarryd’s near touchdown we at the Sportress can reveal the following clauses which activate the moment that Jarryd finally scores in the NFL.

  1. Jarryd automatically becomes a dual citizen of Australia and the USA, so that both countries can share in his sporting glory.
  2. Australian/US parity rates settle at exactly the most beneficial point for Australia in terms of import and export and stays that way for the next decade.
  3. San Francisco is renamed San Fran-Minto.
  4. The 49ers and the Eels swap team colours for a year.
  5. The USA lets Australia pick which dictatorship they bring democracy to next. (Burma. Looking your way guys!)
  6. Australia is made head of the UN Security council, and just for laughs, head of NATO as well.
  7. Mt Panorama is replicated on an exact scale stateside so NASCAR drivers can feel what real racing is like.
  8. The City of Parramatta is made the 51st state of the USA. In return Australia gets Guam. Pretty sweet deal.
  9. All American Mcdonalds outlets must stock meat pies for the next five years and aggressively market them.
  10. Article IV of ANZUS is enacted against the attempted takeover of Australia by the Big Bang Theory.
  11. Jarryd becomes an automatic candidate for the next Presidential race in 2020, because if Kanye is having a crack then so is the Hayne Plane.
  12. JSF F-35 Lightnings are renamed Hayne Planes and redeveloped to actually be useful against whoever it is they’re used against.

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