One of the most closely guarded aspects of the Trans-Pacific Trade Partnership is a small subset of clauses relating to trade between Australia and the USA, which was hurriedly written in following Jarryd Hayne’s announcement that he would be pursuing a career in the NFL.
Following Jarryd’s near touchdown we at the Sportress can reveal the following clauses which activate the moment that Jarryd finally scores in the NFL.
- Jarryd automatically becomes a dual citizen of Australia and the USA, so that both countries can share in his sporting glory.
- Australian/US parity rates settle at exactly the most beneficial point for Australia in terms of import and export and stays that way for the next decade.
- San Francisco is renamed San Fran-Minto.
- The 49ers and the Eels swap team colours for a year.
- The USA lets Australia pick which dictatorship they bring democracy to next. (Burma. Looking your way guys!)
- Australia is made head of the UN Security council, and just for laughs, head of NATO as well.
- Mt Panorama is replicated on an exact scale stateside so NASCAR drivers can feel what real racing is like.
- The City of Parramatta is made the 51st state of the USA. In return Australia gets Guam. Pretty sweet deal.
- All American Mcdonalds outlets must stock meat pies for the next five years and aggressively market them.
- Article IV of ANZUS is enacted against the attempted takeover of Australia by the Big Bang Theory.
- Jarryd becomes an automatic candidate for the next Presidential race in 2020, because if Kanye is having a crack then so is the Hayne Plane.
- JSF F-35 Lightnings are renamed Hayne Planes and redeveloped to actually be useful against whoever it is they’re used against.